Well, it's been a while since I wrote anything about the World Champion Boston Red Sox, so I thought -- "Hey, with the Hot Stove sizzling, why not put something up?" And lo, on the same day, Conan O'Brien wrote a nice little piece for the Boston Globe. And lo again, here it is.
Why the Red Sox Finally Won the World Series
By Conan O'Brien | December 19, 2004
When your leadoff hitter is a 600,000-year-old caveman, an 86-year-long curse seems pretty insignificant.
First-year manager Terry Francona implemented a new series of complicated signs, which were as indecipherable by the opposition as a victory speech by Mayor Menino. Just before the July 31 trade deadline, Ben Affleck unloaded the slumping Jennifer Lopez for the scrappy Jennifer Garner and a stripper to be named later.
In the process of suturing Curt Schilling's injured ankle, Dr. Bill Morgan - in a serious breach of medical ethics - installed the torsion bar from a Dodge Caravan.
The Red Sox were able to generate more enthusiasm recently by building seats on the Green Monster, on the right-field roof, and along the side of David Ortiz's meaty thighs.
In an incredible first strike, the Red Sox nicknamed themselves "The Idiots" before the New York Post could. The Post's subsequent headline, "Yes, You Are!" took the steam out of the whole town.
Manny Ramirez's disheveled appearance rattled opposing hitters, who often called timeout because they thought a homeless man had wandered onto left field.
Jason Giambi's mysterious illness was later traced to one of the many debilitating diseases thriving on Trot Nixon's cap.
In a wrongheaded attempt to counter the Red Sox' 281/4-inch "Mahow Mahow" De La Rosa, George Steinbrenner purchased 71-inch former UN secretary "Boutros Boutros"-Ghali. The results are disastrous.
Red Sox fans finally embraced Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" as their eighthinning anthem, after years of disappointment with Diamond's "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."
The Cardinals were intimidated by Bronson Arroyo's cornrows, especially when crop circles mysteriously appeared in the fifth inning of Game 1.
Schilling bought Drew Bledsoe's $12 million mansion for $6.6 million, starting his goodluck streak. Bledsoe, in typical fashion, held onto something too long and got creamed.
After drawing a base on balls off Mariano Rivera in the ninth inning of ALCS Game 4, Kevin Millar is arrested by a Boston cop for failing to walk a straight line to first. His replacement, Dave Roberts, steals second and scores the game-tying run.
The fact that Theo Epstein's grandfather co-wrote Casablanca led all Red Sox fans to believe the season would have a classic and unpredictable ending. By the way, this means that during the off-season, Steinbrenner will be shot by the French police.
Pedro Martinez's statement that "the Yankees are my Daddy" initially delighted Yankee fans but ultimately distracted and confused them with warm, paternal feelings.
A-Rod's desperate swipe at Arroyo's glove showed the Yankees to be vulnerable. Bostonians hadn't seen a slap like that since Wade Boggs hit on a waitress at Hooters.
When the Yankees lost Don Zimmer in the off-season, they lost the man who was instrumental to their World Series victories in 2000, 1999, and 1978.
A batter may not be intimidated by Pedro or Schilling, but a grinning Stephen King will haunt your dreams forever.
The Red Sox players loved and respected Terry Francona, not for his management ability but because he could stuff a wad of tobacco the size of Ted Kennedy's head in his mouth.
Any town that can con $15 billion out of the federal government just to have a slightly faster way to get to the airport can surely finagle a World Series.
